Hold me down, sweet and low - May 28, 2009

The good thing about never being satisfied about myself is the fact that I will always have room and motivation for improvement.  Whether it’s a physical change, a surgical change, and especially the formation of wearing my style on my sleeve (literally), it’s important to me, even if it’s not top priority.

Surgical (I/III)

Lasik Eye Surgery – I’m sure I don’t have to explain this one; I’m extremely blind and it would be so amazing to wake up and not have to go through the motions of inserting the contact lenses.  One thing, though, I like black-rimmed glasses immensely.  Maybe I’ll wear them for fashionable purposes after I do the surgery.

Scares the hell out of me.

Submental Lipectomy - This is also called Neck Fact Incision (a neck lift), which proves the theory that there is plastic surgery for just about anything and everything your little heart desires.  I have long hated my neck shape, the saggy way it curves from my chin and transitions to my neck.  I think this is seriously detrimental to my overall appearance and I want to tighten it.  (According to my brother, it’ll go away when I lose weight, but I don’t think he realizes exactly how I want to look).  Scars last up to 12 months, but I’m willing to wait that long.

Aw, such lovely drastic results.

Rhinoplasty - I’m actually on the fence about this one.  Some days, I look at my nose and I think I can deal with it without changing it.  Other days, it’s the most prominent feature on my face and I hate it.  I want – so much – for the bridge of my nose to be raised and the end of it to be cute and pointed, not round like a bulb.  And I won’t lie.  After I visited Korea this summer, I began to more seriously consider this procedure, along with the one to shave down my jawline.  I hate how Korean singers and actresses can affect my views on my appearance so much, but I think it just goes to show how much I am unsatisfied with myself.

Let's be completely honest - she looks WAY better now.

Laser Scar Removal - Aside from the ugly scars on the backs of my hands, I have a lot of other discolored scars and scratches that I would like to get rid of.  My skin has always given me despair.  I also put sun-caused moles under this category (I get them every day and I even have one on the tip of my middle finger).

Thank God for laser procedures.

Mastopexy - Also known as the breast lift; I’m not seriously considering this (yet) but I think it’s important to.  After I get up there in the years, I think it’ll be a seriously attractive option that I should think through.  I’m not going to put up a picture, though, because I’m in class and I’m sure people sitting behind me would be disturbed to see me browsing through pictures of (scarred?) breasts.

Laser Hair Removal - I wish I got my dad’s genes, because he’s virtually HAIRLESS.  Honestly, imagine how much money I could have saved from not buying hair removal products, and how much time I could have saved from NOT shaving my legs like a chore every once in a while.  Ugh.  And Asians are supposed to be hairless.

This is virtually amazing.

One last thing, I know that the few people who do read my entries are all close friends who will understand this entry as one that is not endorsing plastic surgery or attaching priority to physical appearance.  If you are not a close friend and stumbled upon this by chance, do not judge me.  Please.  I mean, you can, but it’d be incredibly dumb and narrow-minded of you.

I said, you got the wrong number - May 20, 2009

When I was younger, I remember talking to mom about marriage.  Back then, I was rather naive and thought that the greatest thing I could do in terms of marriage was marry a white individual.  I could imagine the apparent loveliness of our children, the exotic hues of green and hazel up in the air as options for eye colors instead of plain brown, with the aura Eurasian halflings usually exude in terms of appearance.  I was all set.

My mother’s response was: “Don’t even joke about it.”

And I was hurt, and I was scared that I would have to fight my family in the future (my brother is like a third parent who actually speaks English and uses Facebook) to marry the one I love (who wouldn’t be Korean).  I am happy to say that my mindset is slowly changing (maturing) to that of my parents.  Okay, so maybe I’m a bit too young to think about marriage (am I?) but here’s a short list of why so far -

Top Five Reasons EJ Should Hitch With a Korean Dude (in no particular order):

5.) The food.  I love Korean food, and I will never ever be able to live completely without cooking up bean paste soup or just busting out the rice from the fridge.  I love seaweed, sweetened, crunchy anchovies, and (mildly) kimchi.  I love tofu and … well, you get the idea.  When I’m married and the AMAZING COOKING SKILLS OF MY MOM pass onto me (fingers are crossed), I want to be able to put kimchi jjigae in front of my hubbie, and not have to explain what it is.

4.) The culture.  As someone with a diversely ethnic group of friends, I understand the importance of culture and how it affects our mannerisms and ideas.  For example, my Middle Eastern suitemates are used to warmly hugging strangers before kissing them on the cheek twice.  Koreans are wonderful with deep bows and stiff handshakes.  I’m not saying I wouldn’t love to hug a stranger before puckering up, but it’s just a small example of how cultures clash.  I love how Koreans are polite to their elders, and give them the due respect.  Sometimes I hate it because the elders abuse their position, but I know that I am happy we treat them differently.

3.) The family (in-laws).  My parents are amazing people.  I know, I know, where did I come from?  I ask myself that everyday, because if I was half as amazing as my folks, I’d be brilliant.  But anyway, they are very amazing, and I’m sure they’d love to be able to connect with my husband’s parents.  That way, we’d be a real family, with real happiness.  Imagine the language barrier, or the culture clash that would produce so many awkward moments at the dinner table, or the meeting discussing the wedding.  I want my family to be a real family, because that’s important to me.

2.) The family (offspring).  So maybe they’re not going to be light-eyed with porcelain skin.  Maybe they’ll be chubby and dark-eyed and squinty and cute.  (Please, God, please.  Let them get all of the husband’s genes.)  So they’re not going to be necessarily good-looking in that exotic-no-one-can-resist way, but hey, I don’t want my kids to have major identity confusion going on when they hit puberty.  I struggled simply because I was a Korean-American! And I want them to be not just “pureblood” or whatever, but I want them to be in tune with their Korean heritage and roots and language and culture and custom and … I want them to be Korean American like me.

1.) The connection.  As my husband, the guy I marry will have to be the one person in the entire universe that I am completely comfortable with, anytime, all the time.  And honestly, I would love it if he could connect with me on all levels, cultural and customary and everything else in the mix. Because marriage is something I really want to do once and that means I have to get it right this one time.  And I’m not willing to forget my own needs to search for someone who “might” be perfect, but isn’t.  Does that make sense?

Anyway, fun fact – UCSD makes non-Asian girls like Asian guys.  HAHAHA.

I got you under my skin - May 12, 2009

I really want to be a mother.  Sarah and I were talking about it for a while last night and I realized that I really, really want to have kids.  I don’t even know why.  I remember I had this dream once this year, that I was pregnant (no idea who the father was), but I was ecstatic when I ran my hands over my ballooned tummy.  I woke up feeling all giddy and warm from that dream; I think that was my deciding point about getting married and having children.

I respect people like Susan Sarandon who don’t get married to their significant others but maintain a working relationship as a family, but I really think I want my children to grow up in a stable and close-knit family foundation.  I also hope that my husband will be earning enough money for me to stay at home and focus entirely on them, because I don’t think I’d be able to leave them at home with a babysitter.  Not that I don’t think that working mothers are the most amazing sort.

I want to have at least four kids.  I used to want all sons, and I still do, but I know I would still love my daughter as much as any other child if God blessed me with one.  I just hope that she gets my mom’s genes for looks and personality because I was a brat when I got older.

I know my parents are waiting for me to get married and all that, and I’m actually very glad that they are because I am, too.  I want to be pregnant by 25.  That gives me, roughly, five years and eight months, God willing.

You know, this means I should get in shape as soon as possible.  Once I’m pregnant, there’s no going back! Hahaha.

(this is what an hour and twenty minute long class will do to me)

I just can’t resist you - May 9, 2009

I love eating and reading at the same time – my parents say that reading will make me lose the enjoyment of eating food, but if anything, it enhances it for me.  And sometimes, I think I condition myself (yeah, Pavlov’s Dog V. II) to eat a certain type of food while reading a specific book.  Like when I was little, I would eat Hot Cheetos while I read this huge picture book of fairy tales – there are faint red smears on the pages.  I don’t eat Hot Cheetos as much as I used to, but whenever I do, I feel like settling down and reading a book while dipping my hand occasionally into the bag to grab those munchies.  (I sound like a fatass.)

When I get into something new, I get really into it! But then, that passion or whatever it is often lingers for a few weeks until it drifts away.  Most of the time, it comes back, though.  I’m just worried that it’ll be like that for my love life; I vividly remember REALLY LIKING SOMEONE, and then “turning off” my like for them.  It’s happened a couple of times, recently, too.  I honestly don’t know why it happens.  It’s not a conscious decision and it’s not something that they do – I think maybe it’s my subconscious guard against getting dumped or something.  “Leave before you’re left.” or something like that.  I mean, I think it’s smart, but it’s going to be really annoying IF I get serious with someone.

I’m just rambling now.  My thoughts are not connected whatsoever, hahaha.

And Rihanna is rumored to have taken nude pictures.  What is with celebrities and nude pictures?  I’m sure many couples do it, but if you were world-famous, wouldn’t you take more caution with your body?  Just my two-cents.