I don’t wanna be without you, girl - July 19, 2009

Dude, fohawks aside, I seriously want this haircut. 

ME WANT.

THIS HAIRCUT
plus
MULTIPLE EARRINGS
plus
NEW CLOTHES
plus
SMOKEY EYE MAKE UP
plus
FREEDOM TO DO WHAT I WANT

would be hella nice.

My parents don’t understand
that if a guy won’t like me unless
I have long hair & a conservative style
he’s not the type of guy I would want anyway.

Because God knows that my future husband
is going to be different – eccentric, unique.
I’m not even sure that he exists.

AND HEY, YOU PEOPLE NEED TO STOP JUDGING.
Judge me for the choices I make
if you feel so
righteous
&
godly.
NOT MY PARENTS.
(they take enough sh!t from you)

I cannot live, I cannot die - July 10, 2009

I would give anything to start over.

Get on that cross - July 7, 2009

I hate it when people say they’re lovers and not fighters. 

Because honestly, the greatest loves have always required the biggest, most exhausting fights; that’s the obstacle you face when it comes to love, and if you can work everything out well, then love is happy to be the foundation under your feet.  Love requires effort and patience and those things come from discipline and conflict and experience.  Love isn’t some label you slap onto that superficial relationship or a concept you can use to manipulate people into buying whatever you want them to buy.

Love is much deeper, and much more demanding than many would like to believe.  But that’s the price.  Everything good comes at a price, and love is no exception. 

Love has many imitators, and you can often be caught up in one of those falsities.  Love is complicated and frustrating and often makes you wonder why singers croon about it and preachers praise it.    Love makes you vulnerable and open and once that love is discarded, you feel like absolute shit and you need your other friend, Time, to heal you. 

Love is difficult because you have to trust it without fully knowing the consequences.  You fight fear, doubt, even reality, to allow yourself to fall in love. 

Don’t assume that fighting is bad.  After all, babies fight for their lives when they’re being aborted.  Cancer patients fight to survive, even though chemotherapy is torturous and painful.   Earning that good grade is a fight.  Not letting your parents down is a fight. 

Hi, my name is EJ and I’m a fighter. 

And that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m void of love.

Everywhere kiss me - July 4, 2009

Now that North Korea is acting like a spoiled brat, how much do you regret the past – Russia?  China?  Japan?

This is timeless love - June 29, 2009

Sarah Shin is one of my closest and longest-standing friends (from fifth grade).  We’ve been through a lot together, even after fights, I remember making up with her, introducing ourselves to each other again to signal a “fresh start”.  There were moments when we weren’t very close but in the last few years of high school (and cont.) we’ve gotten to be extremely close and I can easily call her one of my most trustworthy friends.

She’s very much interested in fashion and styles and she recently told me that she sometimes saves articles of clothing she thinks would look good on me on her computer/files.  I think that’s one of the most touching things I’ve ever heard, really.  She thinks it makes her sound like a loser, but honestly, wouldn’t you be flattered to have someone who considers your style (or lack thereof) and is willing to dedicate almost an entire folder to it? 

I’ve long been bothered by the fact that I don’t have a distinct appearance or impact when it comes to fashion.  I’m not a huge fan of shopping whatsoever, because I know that I don’t have an ‘eye’ for things that may flatter my body type or compliment my skin color.  I’m usually satisfied with walking around in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, but it doesn’t make me happy.  I seriously admire those who can pick out accessories that match a certain-colored shirt, and shoes that will look good with those pants. 

Sarah says I’m the edgy rocker type, which I absolutely love and wish I had.  (Maybe someday, when I get the $$)  She mentioned Kate Moss, so I looked her up.

She's so stylish.

OR

So svelte and casual.

Anyway, I should stop before I totally get carried away.  (Packing and moving is SUCH A B!TCH.)  I wanted to find more outfits she wears, but what do you google when you look for such things?  “Kate Moss at the airport?”  Hahaha.

Please don’t stop the music - June 22, 2009

I am a proud member of STAND – Strong ‘Till All Nine Disappear - a group (that is slowly growing every day) that calls for the disbanding of the Korean girl band, Girl’s Generation (So Nyuh Shi Dae). 

Some people can call me a hater and that’s fine, because it’s true.  I absolutely hate their music and their concept and their mere representation of Korean culture.  I find it offensive and ridiculous and embarrassing.

It’s true that I don’t know them personally, I will admit that I have no idea what type of people they really may be.  But if the racist comments (“For a black person, she’s really pretty!”) and the rude imitations of their sunbaes (Shinhwa) are of any indication, I don’t want to know them.  Sometimes I think that SM keeps SNSD out in the entertainment world just to attract anti-fans. 

To defend myself against most common protests against my STAND status, I must say the following.

I don’t care if they did plastic surgery.  I mean, yeah, they were hella fugly before they did the procedures but plastic surgery is pretty much an expectation in Korea.  If you’re not worth looking at, you’re not worth much as a singer is the message that is dominant in Korean culture.  I mean, look at one of my previous posts.  I have no qualms about produced beauty.  However, I would expect that with the amount of surgery gone into creating nine mannequin-ish individuals, they would have some talent, which is not the case.  Studio-induced sounds and high-pitched, scary giggles are seriously not considered talent in my book, unfortunately.  I listen to ‘Gee’ and my heart breaks because I know that people around the world will listen to it and immediately get a horrible impression of K-POP, of Korean culture in general.  If you’re a singer, you’ve got to love singing and entertaining and dedicate yourself wholly to that responsibility, which I’ve yet to see from any of the nine dolls. (before & after shown below – credit to ily_hyewon @ soompi.com)

Don't remember her name.

Taeyeon - racist leader.

Tiffany - embarrassing all Korean Americans.

Yoona - not too bad, really.

Don't remember her name, either.

Darling Sunny - LSM's niece.

Yuri - I think?

HAHAHA, MY FAVORITE - Jessica.

Hyoyeon - dancer.

And there you have it.  And no, I’m not mocking their ugly before pictures.  I just want to show you that there is no possible way that they DID NOT do plastic surgery (as many fans claim that they are all natural); maturity does NOT drastically change the shape of your nose – I would know. 

And secondly, I am not jealous of the relationship SNSD has with DBSK and Super Junior.  Guys need females in their lives, I understand that.  They could secretly be having a relationship, I understand that, too.  I’m not a rabid fan who wants to keep the dream alive by isolating my favorite boy bands from females they might know and be friends with. 

Apparently, evidence. (Taeyeon/Junsu)

Admittedly, as a singer and a representative of Korean culture, I think Junsu could do better.  HOWEVER, I fully realize that Taeyeon may be the sweetest girl alive and the right girl for him.  If that’s the case, I am very happy for them and I hope that fans will not go crazy (on both sides) trying to tear them apart.

However, SNSD fans are another issue entirely.  I understand that males (especially Korean males) may be turned on by the sweet, seductive image that SNSD has conquered with their shy attitudes and short skirts, but that does not excuse their fans’ rude and violent reactions to other group’s fans in Dream Concert 2008.  SNSD has, admittedly, more anti-fans than fans and during their performance, it seems as if many of the audience members turned off their glow sticks in protest, which infuriated SNSD’s fans who resorted to rape, knife stabs, and other brutal tactics to scare the anti-fans.  (Please correct me if I’m wrong on this).  I’m not saying SNSD’s entirely to blame for their fans, but I would at least EXPECT and HOPE that SNSD would issue a statement asking their fans to calm down and be more respectful to other groups and their fans. 

Of course not.

SNSD is notorious among netizens for their disrespectful, rather childish and overdone antics.  And almost insulting responses, such as Tiffany giggling at a report of the Sichuan earthquake – apparently the deaths and devastation of thousands of lives are hilarious! I can handle raunchy, but I still don’t want to see your underwear, thanks. 

In any case, I can go on forever (which I have).  This is only a bit of why I really truly do not like Girls’ Generation.

SOME OTHER ANTI-FAN MATERIAL:
http://www.standintl.net/
http://shenyuepop.com/2008/05/24/get-to-know-snsd-tiffany/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEUjU488Aac
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNxPUOXaOl0&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/user/STANDsubs
http://shenyuepop.com/2008/06/11/why-did-it-happen/

NOTE – I do not condone violence or any harm done to SNSD members.  I and my fellow STAND members believe in civil action until they are disbanded.  Please do not see us as a group of crazy anti-fans like many others.

I just want back in your head - June 7, 2009

I haven’t been able to sleep very well lately.  It’s 3:42 in the morning and I’m still up – a terrible, terrible thing for me, since I most ardently love sleeping.  But in any case, I’m listening to classical music in an attempt to lure me to some mild form of peace so that I can sleep.  First I tried Vivaldi, but ended up with Tchaikovsky.

Listening to his work reminds me of summer ‘08 when I went to the Hollywood Bowl three times: once for a Warner Bros./LA Philharmonic special (amazing, hilarious, truly classic), once for a Sound of Music thing (not very interesting at all), and third, for Lang Lang/LA Philharmonic.  Lang Lang, in case you don’t know, is a very famous pianist who fought poverty and hardship to get to where he is now.  I believe he played in the Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremony.  Years before I saw him perform, I read a snippet he wrote about his past and how he had to enlist the support and help of his parents to do what he loved.

But anyway, I watched Lang Lang play the piano, and it just struck me as amazing that anyone could love – and show that love – something so much.  I mean prodigies.  That sort of unnatural, rare person who comes along, bursting with passion for something random.  People like Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky, Vivaldi, even the cartoonist for Warner Bros. (his name escapes me right now).   How can someone be so talented in what he or she loves doing?  I think I see it as a miracle, a happy ending in the midst of reality.

Isn’t it?  Honestly, truly?  Sometimes I think I would rather fail in everything else if it meant that I was extremely wonderful at one thing.  But the world no longer functions that way, so I guess, not anymore.

In any case, I should sleep.  My stomach is starting to get hungry and I have to wake up in less than four hours to attempt to go to church.

Such great heights - June 5, 2009

There are times when utter loneliness creep up behind me, swallow me whole, and render me motionless.  I can sit for hours and hours, and not really hear, see, or absorb anything at all.  I think, though.  My thoughts are jumbled and blurred and I think I prefer it that way because clarity can be sharp and hurtful.  This isn’t even about fake smiles or sweet moments spent with other people.  It’s about the problem I have when I’m alone, doing God knows what because I’m so bored and scared and confused and lost.

My throat feels acidic and I keep tasting the food I gorged on today/tonight in the back of my mouth, threatening to overflow into the trash bin I have sitting next to my desk.  No, I’m not bulimic, but I’ve been choking by myself again.  I drank three bottles of water, hoping that the sick feeling in my stomach would disappear, slide away, vanish.  God.  I can see why people eat food for comfort.  Your taste buds never betray you unless you betray them first.

Am I alive?

Hold me down, sweet and low - May 28, 2009

The good thing about never being satisfied about myself is the fact that I will always have room and motivation for improvement.  Whether it’s a physical change, a surgical change, and especially the formation of wearing my style on my sleeve (literally), it’s important to me, even if it’s not top priority.

Surgical (I/III)

Lasik Eye Surgery – I’m sure I don’t have to explain this one; I’m extremely blind and it would be so amazing to wake up and not have to go through the motions of inserting the contact lenses.  One thing, though, I like black-rimmed glasses immensely.  Maybe I’ll wear them for fashionable purposes after I do the surgery.

Scares the hell out of me.

Submental Lipectomy - This is also called Neck Fact Incision (a neck lift), which proves the theory that there is plastic surgery for just about anything and everything your little heart desires.  I have long hated my neck shape, the saggy way it curves from my chin and transitions to my neck.  I think this is seriously detrimental to my overall appearance and I want to tighten it.  (According to my brother, it’ll go away when I lose weight, but I don’t think he realizes exactly how I want to look).  Scars last up to 12 months, but I’m willing to wait that long.

Aw, such lovely drastic results.

Rhinoplasty - I’m actually on the fence about this one.  Some days, I look at my nose and I think I can deal with it without changing it.  Other days, it’s the most prominent feature on my face and I hate it.  I want – so much – for the bridge of my nose to be raised and the end of it to be cute and pointed, not round like a bulb.  And I won’t lie.  After I visited Korea this summer, I began to more seriously consider this procedure, along with the one to shave down my jawline.  I hate how Korean singers and actresses can affect my views on my appearance so much, but I think it just goes to show how much I am unsatisfied with myself.

Let's be completely honest - she looks WAY better now.

Laser Scar Removal - Aside from the ugly scars on the backs of my hands, I have a lot of other discolored scars and scratches that I would like to get rid of.  My skin has always given me despair.  I also put sun-caused moles under this category (I get them every day and I even have one on the tip of my middle finger).

Thank God for laser procedures.

Mastopexy - Also known as the breast lift; I’m not seriously considering this (yet) but I think it’s important to.  After I get up there in the years, I think it’ll be a seriously attractive option that I should think through.  I’m not going to put up a picture, though, because I’m in class and I’m sure people sitting behind me would be disturbed to see me browsing through pictures of (scarred?) breasts.

Laser Hair Removal - I wish I got my dad’s genes, because he’s virtually HAIRLESS.  Honestly, imagine how much money I could have saved from not buying hair removal products, and how much time I could have saved from NOT shaving my legs like a chore every once in a while.  Ugh.  And Asians are supposed to be hairless.

This is virtually amazing.

One last thing, I know that the few people who do read my entries are all close friends who will understand this entry as one that is not endorsing plastic surgery or attaching priority to physical appearance.  If you are not a close friend and stumbled upon this by chance, do not judge me.  Please.  I mean, you can, but it’d be incredibly dumb and narrow-minded of you.

I said, you got the wrong number - May 20, 2009

When I was younger, I remember talking to mom about marriage.  Back then, I was rather naive and thought that the greatest thing I could do in terms of marriage was marry a white individual.  I could imagine the apparent loveliness of our children, the exotic hues of green and hazel up in the air as options for eye colors instead of plain brown, with the aura Eurasian halflings usually exude in terms of appearance.  I was all set.

My mother’s response was: “Don’t even joke about it.”

And I was hurt, and I was scared that I would have to fight my family in the future (my brother is like a third parent who actually speaks English and uses Facebook) to marry the one I love (who wouldn’t be Korean).  I am happy to say that my mindset is slowly changing (maturing) to that of my parents.  Okay, so maybe I’m a bit too young to think about marriage (am I?) but here’s a short list of why so far -

Top Five Reasons EJ Should Hitch With a Korean Dude (in no particular order):

5.) The food.  I love Korean food, and I will never ever be able to live completely without cooking up bean paste soup or just busting out the rice from the fridge.  I love seaweed, sweetened, crunchy anchovies, and (mildly) kimchi.  I love tofu and … well, you get the idea.  When I’m married and the AMAZING COOKING SKILLS OF MY MOM pass onto me (fingers are crossed), I want to be able to put kimchi jjigae in front of my hubbie, and not have to explain what it is.

4.) The culture.  As someone with a diversely ethnic group of friends, I understand the importance of culture and how it affects our mannerisms and ideas.  For example, my Middle Eastern suitemates are used to warmly hugging strangers before kissing them on the cheek twice.  Koreans are wonderful with deep bows and stiff handshakes.  I’m not saying I wouldn’t love to hug a stranger before puckering up, but it’s just a small example of how cultures clash.  I love how Koreans are polite to their elders, and give them the due respect.  Sometimes I hate it because the elders abuse their position, but I know that I am happy we treat them differently.

3.) The family (in-laws).  My parents are amazing people.  I know, I know, where did I come from?  I ask myself that everyday, because if I was half as amazing as my folks, I’d be brilliant.  But anyway, they are very amazing, and I’m sure they’d love to be able to connect with my husband’s parents.  That way, we’d be a real family, with real happiness.  Imagine the language barrier, or the culture clash that would produce so many awkward moments at the dinner table, or the meeting discussing the wedding.  I want my family to be a real family, because that’s important to me.

2.) The family (offspring).  So maybe they’re not going to be light-eyed with porcelain skin.  Maybe they’ll be chubby and dark-eyed and squinty and cute.  (Please, God, please.  Let them get all of the husband’s genes.)  So they’re not going to be necessarily good-looking in that exotic-no-one-can-resist way, but hey, I don’t want my kids to have major identity confusion going on when they hit puberty.  I struggled simply because I was a Korean-American! And I want them to be not just “pureblood” or whatever, but I want them to be in tune with their Korean heritage and roots and language and culture and custom and … I want them to be Korean American like me.

1.) The connection.  As my husband, the guy I marry will have to be the one person in the entire universe that I am completely comfortable with, anytime, all the time.  And honestly, I would love it if he could connect with me on all levels, cultural and customary and everything else in the mix. Because marriage is something I really want to do once and that means I have to get it right this one time.  And I’m not willing to forget my own needs to search for someone who “might” be perfect, but isn’t.  Does that make sense?

Anyway, fun fact – UCSD makes non-Asian girls like Asian guys.  HAHAHA.